some days, i think i can manage, just barely. then i remember, well of course i think so, i'm light-headed from skipping lunch again and whoa it's 7.30pm, and dinner was a banana and a guilt-trip express currypuff. also, skipping lunch and dinner gave me 2 whole hours to catch up with a quarter of my work... just before i die from new-work-influx at the next internal.
yeah, i should go eat dinner now.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
things but for which i would have jumped from my 3rd storey shophouse office window today.
i remembered to buy my mom the gawd awesome french-japanese strawberry shortcake near work and sneaked it to her between errands this morning. automatically, i've won today already. yeah, the shit is hitting the fan already at work, but my mom? she's happy. i SOO win. this would be disgustingly like yoga-stretching so i can pat myself on the back, but i've been telling her about it since the 2nd week i was working at The Balloon-Shape Place. so it's more like, for once i didn't suck at daughterhood. baby yoga only! also if my mom and i were competing at being sweet, today i win EVEN over her, because she LEFT ME PASSED OUT FROM EXHAUSTION ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR LAST NIGHT! GRRR.
i passed an ah pek lounging on the grey boxes where all the geegaws for traffic lights are kept. He was puffing his smoke calmly over the heads of the puzzled office folks waiting for the green light to cross. they pretended not to be staring. he smirked when i grinned at him. he looked like tua pe kong in janitor wear.
Fayfairy mommied me to death last night, cramming all the food in her bag down my throat because it was 10.40pm and i hadn't had time to eat dinner. Strawberries, some weird rabbit food biscuits. i hadn't seen her for weeks and then when i finally meet her it's only to follow me around for 20 mins while i was pelting off the walls desperately running work errands at ikea before they closed. Abu gave me mark-out tuna sandwiches from his workplace ten mins later. Abu had to lie. Timmatits wolfed down half my sandwich in one swallow but he sent me home when i started snoring at nasrins at 11.30! This even though i ruined the night for them because i crashed out so early. Cat-in-demand shores my defences up everyday with her sage poodle of experience advice and by gasping shrilly with outrage at every single thing i tell her about work. Always whine to a drama queen, folks. Otherwise, tak shiok.
how did i score such sweet friends? i will eat them too so they will be with me forever and ever and ever.
almost the best of all. my blood aunt came to visit today, and now i can blame all the fucked up things this week on her.
awesome.
ah fuck, lunch's over, back to workblerghdie!
i passed an ah pek lounging on the grey boxes where all the geegaws for traffic lights are kept. He was puffing his smoke calmly over the heads of the puzzled office folks waiting for the green light to cross. they pretended not to be staring. he smirked when i grinned at him. he looked like tua pe kong in janitor wear.
Fayfairy mommied me to death last night, cramming all the food in her bag down my throat because it was 10.40pm and i hadn't had time to eat dinner. Strawberries, some weird rabbit food biscuits. i hadn't seen her for weeks and then when i finally meet her it's only to follow me around for 20 mins while i was pelting off the walls desperately running work errands at ikea before they closed. Abu gave me mark-out tuna sandwiches from his workplace ten mins later. Abu had to lie. Timmatits wolfed down half my sandwich in one swallow but he sent me home when i started snoring at nasrins at 11.30! This even though i ruined the night for them because i crashed out so early. Cat-in-demand shores my defences up everyday with her sage poodle of experience advice and by gasping shrilly with outrage at every single thing i tell her about work. Always whine to a drama queen, folks. Otherwise, tak shiok.
how did i score such sweet friends? i will eat them too so they will be with me forever and ever and ever.
almost the best of all. my blood aunt came to visit today, and now i can blame all the fucked up things this week on her.
awesome.
ah fuck, lunch's over, back to workblerghdie!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
the dam broke.
i never come home for dinner anymore.
i'm skipping meals but putting on weight. when i'm not at work all i really want to do is coil in bed. there's a heavy sack of ache sitting on my shoulders, all the time. i have to ask for permission to leave work early. early is 7.45pm. i've disappeared from my friends' lives. i haven't watched an episode of anime or himym online since end of february. season one of house is sitting on my desk unwatched since i don't recall when. i haven't done much without wondering if it'll affect my work performance. i'm not rested from weekends. i have drama i need to settle, but i'm afraid it'll make me unable to work if it gets ugly. my friends annoy me, because it feels like slow baby talk when they're not telling me concisely and clearly what they want from me or yelling at me to finish something by yesterday, miho, what's wrong with you.
everything feels like my fault. i will apologise if you drop your hat in front of me, sorrysorrysorry, i didn't know, i won't do it again. sorry. logistically speaking, i know it's incredibly self-centred to think i could single-handedly made the world go wrong. i'm appalled at myself too. sorry sorry, i didn't mean to screw up again, sorry.
it feels reasonable that one hour is too long to lunch. i can't look at myself in the mirror for long now, because my eyes look odd, flat. i struggle to quail all the weird shit i like to do. i like my things to look like i actually use them, well-worn with love, but now they all look fresh, new and stiff because it affects my professional demeanor and my boss hates it. i used to wear flat shoes everyday because i like to walk for hours and hours to nowhere, but its heels everyday i can manage now because my clothes are not corporate enough without them. and it hardly matters, because i don't have 2 hours to rub against each other for luck nowadays anyway. i wanted to grow my hair long enough that i can sit on it and dye that shit violet, but i had to duck into a hair salon at 9pm one day because my superior pointedly told me my hair was inappropriate for work. my boss loved it the next day and called it trendy.
i'm struggling to understand information i care very little about. in fact, i hate cars with a passion. i will never own one.
i think i am going for days without an original thought in my head, without anything knocking around in there that i can call my own. i'm scared. every spare thought is occupied by workworkworkwork.
i can't arrange anything to happen before 9pm on weekdays, and chances are, i'd be late or have to cancel anyway. i have missed 2 birthday parties i really really really wanted to shout surprise at because i was held up at work last minute. they were 21st birthdays and special. i was nearly 2 hours late to my own birthday party because i was held up at work. i see the sun for about one hour a day now. the 25 minutes i dash to work in, and the 35 minutes i spend at lunch most days. i haven't visited the sea in almost 2 months. once, i couldn't imagine going for a week without hanging out with either of them. i don't seem to have any tact left in me after a workday and tear into people for the slightest bullshit. or i would, but i'm so tired it just happens in my head.
i'm impatient with my friends' troubles when they confide in me, and that's scaring me because i used to be the Born Listening Ear, and people looked up me enough that i was starting to resent having to care so much. i watched a rude bitch next to me scold a barrister at a cafe the other day and i was too dazed to tell her to piss off like i usually would. going to a meeting feels like going to war with a quarter tank of leaking courage. i go to war 8 times a day, sometimes more, and there's no time to do real work. sometimes we war over lunch. i don't have time to pee. or to check on the progress of the orion's belt of pimples that sprung up from the stress. there are days when i walk around with a tangle of tears just stuck in traffic and waiting to pour out, but i won't let it out because it'll be a waste of time i could have spent working. and if i cry and waste this much time, i would be even further behind. i shower and drop into bed 20 mins after i'm in through the door, try to sleep enough to keep up the next day. with 8 hours of sleep you can take on the world. by 12pm i'm fighting exhaustion again. i'm as cheerful as a doomsday prophet. i don't have time or the headspace to act anymore, only react to things.
for fuck's sake, my mom sayang'd my head the other day because i looked beaten up and i teared up so madly that you could almost say i cried. i can't remember the last time she sayang'd me. and i really miss eating my mom's cooking fresh off the stove.
i'm skipping meals but putting on weight. when i'm not at work all i really want to do is coil in bed. there's a heavy sack of ache sitting on my shoulders, all the time. i have to ask for permission to leave work early. early is 7.45pm. i've disappeared from my friends' lives. i haven't watched an episode of anime or himym online since end of february. season one of house is sitting on my desk unwatched since i don't recall when. i haven't done much without wondering if it'll affect my work performance. i'm not rested from weekends. i have drama i need to settle, but i'm afraid it'll make me unable to work if it gets ugly. my friends annoy me, because it feels like slow baby talk when they're not telling me concisely and clearly what they want from me or yelling at me to finish something by yesterday, miho, what's wrong with you.
everything feels like my fault. i will apologise if you drop your hat in front of me, sorrysorrysorry, i didn't know, i won't do it again. sorry. logistically speaking, i know it's incredibly self-centred to think i could single-handedly made the world go wrong. i'm appalled at myself too. sorry sorry, i didn't mean to screw up again, sorry.
it feels reasonable that one hour is too long to lunch. i can't look at myself in the mirror for long now, because my eyes look odd, flat. i struggle to quail all the weird shit i like to do. i like my things to look like i actually use them, well-worn with love, but now they all look fresh, new and stiff because it affects my professional demeanor and my boss hates it. i used to wear flat shoes everyday because i like to walk for hours and hours to nowhere, but its heels everyday i can manage now because my clothes are not corporate enough without them. and it hardly matters, because i don't have 2 hours to rub against each other for luck nowadays anyway. i wanted to grow my hair long enough that i can sit on it and dye that shit violet, but i had to duck into a hair salon at 9pm one day because my superior pointedly told me my hair was inappropriate for work. my boss loved it the next day and called it trendy.
i'm struggling to understand information i care very little about. in fact, i hate cars with a passion. i will never own one.
i think i am going for days without an original thought in my head, without anything knocking around in there that i can call my own. i'm scared. every spare thought is occupied by workworkworkwork.
i can't arrange anything to happen before 9pm on weekdays, and chances are, i'd be late or have to cancel anyway. i have missed 2 birthday parties i really really really wanted to shout surprise at because i was held up at work last minute. they were 21st birthdays and special. i was nearly 2 hours late to my own birthday party because i was held up at work. i see the sun for about one hour a day now. the 25 minutes i dash to work in, and the 35 minutes i spend at lunch most days. i haven't visited the sea in almost 2 months. once, i couldn't imagine going for a week without hanging out with either of them. i don't seem to have any tact left in me after a workday and tear into people for the slightest bullshit. or i would, but i'm so tired it just happens in my head.
i'm impatient with my friends' troubles when they confide in me, and that's scaring me because i used to be the Born Listening Ear, and people looked up me enough that i was starting to resent having to care so much. i watched a rude bitch next to me scold a barrister at a cafe the other day and i was too dazed to tell her to piss off like i usually would. going to a meeting feels like going to war with a quarter tank of leaking courage. i go to war 8 times a day, sometimes more, and there's no time to do real work. sometimes we war over lunch. i don't have time to pee. or to check on the progress of the orion's belt of pimples that sprung up from the stress. there are days when i walk around with a tangle of tears just stuck in traffic and waiting to pour out, but i won't let it out because it'll be a waste of time i could have spent working. and if i cry and waste this much time, i would be even further behind. i shower and drop into bed 20 mins after i'm in through the door, try to sleep enough to keep up the next day. with 8 hours of sleep you can take on the world. by 12pm i'm fighting exhaustion again. i'm as cheerful as a doomsday prophet. i don't have time or the headspace to act anymore, only react to things.
for fuck's sake, my mom sayang'd my head the other day because i looked beaten up and i teared up so madly that you could almost say i cried. i can't remember the last time she sayang'd me. and i really miss eating my mom's cooking fresh off the stove.
i'm scared. i can't write worth shit anymore.
in 3 days, i've churned out research, comparison charts x 2 that are so long i printed out 2 x A3 papers to tape together, competitive analysis, SWOT, compiled surveys, summarised the results in charts. none of them i am proud of or will show anyone. hell, i don't even want to talk about them.
these are on top of requests peppering in every half hour, things like, hey miho, i need you to find XXX ad from YYY brand, it came out 2 months ago. or maybe 4 months ago, i can't remember. don't know which publication leh. what's it for? oh just show the creatives for reference. 1 hour later i've huff and puff and blowed into submission a haystack of newspapers as high as my chest and march the measly, ugly ad triumphantly to the meeting. and it's flashed before their eye for 2 seconds before they glaze over and fall to arguing over creative executions.
i've also been scolded twice, yelled at once for ten mins. tsk-ed at countless times, stayed up til the am doing work twice. i volunteered to do something outside of my duties last friday, and that one got me one of the scoldings. a headache has been raging for the past 6 hours.
it's only tuesday.
these are on top of requests peppering in every half hour, things like, hey miho, i need you to find XXX ad from YYY brand, it came out 2 months ago. or maybe 4 months ago, i can't remember. don't know which publication leh. what's it for? oh just show the creatives for reference. 1 hour later i've huff and puff and blowed into submission a haystack of newspapers as high as my chest and march the measly, ugly ad triumphantly to the meeting. and it's flashed before their eye for 2 seconds before they glaze over and fall to arguing over creative executions.
i've also been scolded twice, yelled at once for ten mins. tsk-ed at countless times, stayed up til the am doing work twice. i volunteered to do something outside of my duties last friday, and that one got me one of the scoldings. a headache has been raging for the past 6 hours.
it's only tuesday.
Monday, April 13, 2009
THE 1001 CURSES OF THE BRIDESMAID DRESS!
abbasbacha says:
miho
abbasbacha says:
i wanna change my fb status ah
wanna change with me
but i was thinking, im damn bored with being single
and its complicated is passe
you broke up with kammi already right?
and you look good la!!
kamiliah was right le
it was as girlie as i thought it was. wasnt as girlie as you made it out to be
very nice and elegant
me says:
wait.
abbasbacha says:
haha
and you wore your bracelet!! rebellious..
me says:
u saw me in a dress and thought i looked girlie now and so you wanna be my fb boyf.
dude we are breaking up now before we even start la!!!
abbasbacha says:
no la!!!!
wtf
so miho
would you be my fb gf?
i give you sweet superpokes and quizzes to play everyday!!!
me says:
grunt.
abbasbacha says:
ok
me says:
it so WAS girly!! girliest thing i wore ever!!
abbasbacha says:
i can be your fb gf
you be the bf?
want?
me says:
oh cool, ok.
HAHAHAHAHA
abbasbacha says:
it wasnt THAT girly miho!!
oh kay!!
i go do it up now
oo
exciting
me says:
BUT IF IT DOESNT SAY THAT IM THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, WE'RE THROUGH!
abbasbacha says:
what
...
oo..
okay.....
i still love you though
=(
*i hear a heart break
piang!
yeah@!!!!!
can already
okay la i put as its complicated
me says:
imma go date alman now. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
miho
abbasbacha says:
i wanna change my fb status ah
wanna change with me
but i was thinking, im damn bored with being single
and its complicated is passe
you broke up with kammi already right?
and you look good la!!
kamiliah was right le
it was as girlie as i thought it was. wasnt as girlie as you made it out to be
very nice and elegant
me says:
wait.
abbasbacha says:
haha
and you wore your bracelet!! rebellious..
me says:
u saw me in a dress and thought i looked girlie now and so you wanna be my fb boyf.
dude we are breaking up now before we even start la!!!
abbasbacha says:
no la!!!!
wtf
so miho
would you be my fb gf?
i give you sweet superpokes and quizzes to play everyday!!!
me says:
grunt.
abbasbacha says:
ok
me says:
it so WAS girly!! girliest thing i wore ever!!
abbasbacha says:
i can be your fb gf
you be the bf?
want?
me says:
oh cool, ok.
HAHAHAHAHA
abbasbacha says:
it wasnt THAT girly miho!!
oh kay!!
i go do it up now
oo
exciting
me says:
BUT IF IT DOESNT SAY THAT IM THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, WE'RE THROUGH!
abbasbacha says:
what
...
oo..
okay.....
i still love you though
=(
*i hear a heart break
piang!
yeah@!!!!!
can already
okay la i put as its complicated
me says:
imma go date alman now. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
...in Love & War. And when stealing that last banana from The Pantry.
Seeing my name show up on personalised stationary, museum signs, graffiti or just on another Miho's facebook is strangely stirring.
Miho isn't a common name outside of Japan, so unlike the blase Qin Huis, Marys, Sitis of the world, I twitch hugely whenever someone yells my name. So there isn't many Mihos on this island. I'm guessing it's under 25 of us. Probably only one M.Iwaki, maybe two if we're feeling particularly hopeful. Therefore, the chances of your Miho being me is around 6/7 on a busy Friday at the interchange. This is after employing complicated math beyond either of us. It is awfully possible that I just liked the number 7 too.
If you are here on this blog, it's only me la, this place isn't thaaaat easy to find. I know because i googled, for secrecy's sake.
But not so on the internet, the great equaliser of cultural idiocracies, mass distributer of Wide Wide Weirdness. The internet sez; zillions of Mihos storm the big bad cities, prancing placidly amongst the greener grass of That Other Side.
They're having an awesome time of it too. There's a Miho H. working at YSL, she sends handwritten notes to her customers. There's a MihoAoki who's the co-founder of United Bamboo, and designs slightly twisted, indie-loved clothes. There's a Mihothepornstar. There's a Miho Museum in Japan, no bull, and museums naturally win over people and other menial, little things. We can ignore the truckload of mihomusicians, it's better for my ego if i didn't let my voice be anywhere near theirs.
My point here is, i don't know what my point is. No, read that again, i accidentally made sense with that line. Not to be so existentialist, but what's my point here? Other Mihos are making better use of their names, they are carving it in 72-point font Awesome. It's sans-serifs too, beat that!
And me, I'm just the bookworm who's still so branded by King Arthur and Robin Hood and god only remembers what other bible-like books i read as a young impressionable & scrappy kid that i'm astounded today by what seems like almost everyone else who really honestly feels that all's fair in love & war.
I'm also the AE who isn't particularly good at her job, but is pretty awesome at rationalising creatives/bullshitting. Some chick you see a lot at Nasrins not being very nice to her friends. Known as Gremlin at work, Grumpfuck amongst friends, Should-keep-her-hair-long with idiot guys and will-punch-you with other guys. A scatterbrain who shrugs at euro cars, VIP party invites, branded sunglasses or your latest gadgetry that shows you will become a good provider to your future wife and kids. Irritable, sarcastic, foul-mouthed & snarky. Loses interest easily, have fluctuating priorities, overthink things, impatient. But at least she cleans up nicely sometimes.
Someone who's not going to make it home in time for dinner because her colleagues want to go drinking, again. And the wandering girl who's not making the Clan of Miho proud.
Hopefully, just not yet.
Miho isn't a common name outside of Japan, so unlike the blase Qin Huis, Marys, Sitis of the world, I twitch hugely whenever someone yells my name. So there isn't many Mihos on this island. I'm guessing it's under 25 of us. Probably only one M.Iwaki, maybe two if we're feeling particularly hopeful. Therefore, the chances of your Miho being me is around 6/7 on a busy Friday at the interchange. This is after employing complicated math beyond either of us. It is awfully possible that I just liked the number 7 too.
If you are here on this blog, it's only me la, this place isn't thaaaat easy to find. I know because i googled, for secrecy's sake.
But not so on the internet, the great equaliser of cultural idiocracies, mass distributer of Wide Wide Weirdness. The internet sez; zillions of Mihos storm the big bad cities, prancing placidly amongst the greener grass of That Other Side.
They're having an awesome time of it too. There's a Miho H. working at YSL, she sends handwritten notes to her customers. There's a MihoAoki who's the co-founder of United Bamboo, and designs slightly twisted, indie-loved clothes. There's a Mihothepornstar. There's a Miho Museum in Japan, no bull, and museums naturally win over people and other menial, little things. We can ignore the truckload of mihomusicians, it's better for my ego if i didn't let my voice be anywhere near theirs.
My point here is, i don't know what my point is. No, read that again, i accidentally made sense with that line. Not to be so existentialist, but what's my point here? Other Mihos are making better use of their names, they are carving it in 72-point font Awesome. It's sans-serifs too, beat that!
And me, I'm just the bookworm who's still so branded by King Arthur and Robin Hood and god only remembers what other bible-like books i read as a young impressionable & scrappy kid that i'm astounded today by what seems like almost everyone else who really honestly feels that all's fair in love & war.
I'm also the AE who isn't particularly good at her job, but is pretty awesome at rationalising creatives/bullshitting. Some chick you see a lot at Nasrins not being very nice to her friends. Known as Gremlin at work, Grumpfuck amongst friends, Should-keep-her-hair-long with idiot guys and will-punch-you with other guys. A scatterbrain who shrugs at euro cars, VIP party invites, branded sunglasses or your latest gadgetry that shows you will become a good provider to your future wife and kids. Irritable, sarcastic, foul-mouthed & snarky. Loses interest easily, have fluctuating priorities, overthink things, impatient. But at least she cleans up nicely sometimes.
Someone who's not going to make it home in time for dinner because her colleagues want to go drinking, again. And the wandering girl who's not making the Clan of Miho proud.
Hopefully, just not yet.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
toil and trouble.
i am having trouble giving a shit.
this isn't unfamiliar to me, it's a naturally occurring phenomenon across the world student population. happens around 5 - 7 weeks into each semester.
Every new semester heralds a burst of enthusiasm for novel new projects, notebooks white as piano keys, empty mind eager enough for challenges to bite off so much of project pies that all the cursing in week 3-4 is muffled and gross to behold.
And then week 7 comes on, and the shit? it does not care as much anymore. it just trudges.
problem: am not a student anymore. Work doesn't end in another 10 weeks. It's evermore from now on. forever and ever, amen. 'til death do us part. handcuffed and throw away the key.
i may have dug myself a hole here. Oops.
this isn't unfamiliar to me, it's a naturally occurring phenomenon across the world student population. happens around 5 - 7 weeks into each semester.
Every new semester heralds a burst of enthusiasm for novel new projects, notebooks white as piano keys, empty mind eager enough for challenges to bite off so much of project pies that all the cursing in week 3-4 is muffled and gross to behold.
And then week 7 comes on, and the shit? it does not care as much anymore. it just trudges.
problem: am not a student anymore. Work doesn't end in another 10 weeks. It's evermore from now on. forever and ever, amen. 'til death do us part. handcuffed and throw away the key.
i may have dug myself a hole here. Oops.
leave this mortal coil!!
my shoulder is twitching. i must list the things that i've had to do today that made it twitch. sometimes when i'm trying to type, it turnsoehr like this. because of the twitching. goodbye overpaid intern, hello ultimate pa. I have a list of things to do as long as my arm. i kid you not.
I CANNOT KEEP UP!!!!!
I CANNOT KEEP UP!!!!!
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