don't kid yourself.

if you used to commandere the living room to build forts out of blankets & chairs & "keep out" signs.
look out windows for far too long after you know what's out there.
if you cheered the jolly thieves as they escaped from the fuzz by a secret trap door in the floor of the barnhouse.
and the vulgar finger signals between the two drivers in front of you in traffic kinda makes you smile.
if reading some somber thesis of how obama's popularity can be a double-edged knife can't sour your relief.
if you wear bruises like relics of an adventure to be retold more dramatically each time.

wee little pink fluffy tiaras might not do it for you, but
you're a romantic is what you are.

epic word crush.

"You will never meet the Lestrygonians, Cyclops, and the fierce Poseidon, if you do not carry them in your soul, if your soul does not raise them up before you."

--excerpts from Ithaca by C.P. Cavafy



also,

"I LIKE a look of agony, because I know it's true;
Men do not shame convulsion, nor stimulate a throe."

--Emily Dickinson

eh minah, panjat ding ding?

I try not to hold too much with the fated road and all that jazz, because jeez louis, you don't ever want to give me an excuse to be lazy, i may just snatch it up with my greedy little fists and nuzzle it to death.

so even though i lean towards that sort of thinking more than i'd care to admit, i make darn sure my grip on that pragmatic handhold is sound, ya know? None of the midgety flat fingernail-scrappers, but the nice solid route 5C handholds you rest full weight on.

Which may be why there've been loud nudges towards a certain direction. Blatant shoves, really, as if something's sick of being ignored.

You know what it's like to be following this climb route that's more than you can chew?

Already half way up, buggered tired but buggered if you'd give up now. So you hang there for too long, panting, resting, trembling & almost given up. You had the cocky arrogance to hook your toe into the first few handholds, but now you're out of your dingding depth. shit. can just let me down? time to makan anyway la.

And your belayer, he's sick to his balls of hitching you up discreetly every time you shift, so he's yelling, that one, right of your chest, yeah, tiptop left and haul your right foot up there. Down? Down your head ah! Go.

Yeah. It feels like that, if the said belayer was fate's dirty minions (cat, not you okay, chill). "Dude, go that way already, you haven't got all lifetime."


So i wonder, if i push my luck, is there a chance for awesome on the horizon?


.
..
...
ooooh hey look, awesome on the horizon would make a GREAT song title! just like yay you.

astrological-apologetic autopsies 2008.

really i just wanted to kick 2008 into the back of my closet as a failed mutant baby we'd ignore, & toss in leftover suppers to & make inventive excuses to the neighbours for all the creepy bashing & moaning sounds for. except for some bits that were too shiny.

like finding faded old glowsticks in most of my bags from night-fishing excursions halfway across the island & prancing indie disco nights & thrash-snake dancing to music that was dark, throbbing, glitchy, deep, intense.
like awesome new, very genuinely-liked friends.
& clinking flutes of sparkling grape juice to a grinning circle of familiar-extreme, grossly adorable, lavishly-loved & cosy-old-gold-boldly-scolding friends. (these adjectives applied to those outside of that circle i heart and all. you know you.)
like kickass insightful conversations i wish i taped down, they were so mindbone-exhausting to be had.

like my eyes getting wider & more starry, the more i see the world. goddamnit, it's too EXCITING!
like boys, secretive adventures & interesting work, ya know?

(Big D was awesome, even its done for now. a tear didn't try to fight it's way out when i was writing my farewell letter, nononononono sirree. & i grew up a little & became more confident, assertive, snake-minded & you know, all that silly CV & Ms Universe crap that's too corny to admit is The Truth.)

like being slapped with an overwhelming consciousness of my moronic noises that i CANNOT SWITCH OFF NOW. thanks ever so much, muhd bedek & !kung bushwoman.

...i'm allowed to go past my usual cheesy threshold today, ok. Tuesdays are half-priced waffles day & "cheapest movie tixs everywhere" day, "no school for 2 semesters running" day & " wheee, blast music & slack because everyone's out at The Clients for meetings" day & my last day of work day & so it's kinda lucky.

most of all,
it's like the solid feeling of having special, awesome persons who kicked my daydreaming ass with a hearty tongue-lashing & cleverly (, exasperatedly) shoved me in all the right directions. essentially, the direction out of the limbo i was digging myself into for much of the year.

they shut me out of the fort so i'd deal with the dragons. they refused to belay me down when i only made a half-arsed attempt on the wall. they cared.

they had my back.

it's all so new to me, & i don't see how i deserved it... but okay loh, free-gift-with-purchase, what idiot would argue? no, really.

2008 would have been just another gross end of a listless kitten without you guys.
thank you pebbles, chillipadilingling, karma princess, bugs, kaelle, jaetty, banana, din. some of you shot my faltering ego dizzyhigh, some of you slapped good sense into me, others calmly weathered psychotic fits without ever asking why, but you guys were a team and you never knew it. most of you don't read this though, so er..
PSYCH! :D



2008, your ass so divine, but your face is bashed in.
defooonitely better seein' ya goin' nuh comin'!
2009, hey? BRING IT ON BITCH!!

anything you can do.

count the number of people you've kissed.

ladies;
a ) is it a horrorpride moment? (hint: the first time you suspected you may have a shoe addiction. you tallied them up; gasped & decided, oh dear, hahahahahahaha, maybe you need an intervention.)
b ) " ohh. phew!/chehhhh!"
c ) "holy fuckerina... i need an intervention with my family there."


fellows;
you don't need to count (/inflate score), you already know.
*big, fat, lusty wink"