the dam broke.

i never come home for dinner anymore.

i'm skipping meals but putting on weight. when i'm not at work all i really want to do is coil in bed. there's a heavy sack of ache sitting on my shoulders, all the time. i have to ask for permission to leave work early. early is 7.45pm. i've disappeared from my friends' lives. i haven't watched an episode of anime or himym online since end of february. season one of house is sitting on my desk unwatched since i don't recall when. i haven't done much without wondering if it'll affect my work performance. i'm not rested from weekends. i have drama i need to settle, but i'm afraid it'll make me unable to work if it gets ugly. my friends annoy me, because it feels like slow baby talk when they're not telling me concisely and clearly what they want from me or yelling at me to finish something by yesterday, miho, what's wrong with you.

everything feels like my fault. i will apologise if you drop your hat in front of me, sorrysorrysorry, i didn't know, i won't do it again. sorry. logistically speaking, i know it's incredibly self-centred to think i could single-handedly made the world go wrong. i'm appalled at myself too. sorry sorry, i didn't mean to screw up again, sorry.

it feels reasonable that one hour is too long to lunch. i can't look at myself in the mirror for long now, because my eyes look odd, flat. i struggle to quail all the weird shit i like to do. i like my things to look like i actually use them, well-worn with love, but now they all look fresh, new and stiff because it affects my professional demeanor and my boss hates it. i used to wear flat shoes everyday because i like to walk for hours and hours to nowhere, but its heels everyday i can manage now because my clothes are not corporate enough without them. and it hardly matters, because i don't have 2 hours to rub against each other for luck nowadays anyway. i wanted to grow my hair long enough that i can sit on it and dye that shit violet, but i had to duck into a hair salon at 9pm one day because my superior pointedly told me my hair was inappropriate for work. my boss loved it the next day and called it trendy.

i'm struggling to understand information i care very little about. in fact, i hate cars with a passion. i will never own one.

i think i am going for days without an original thought in my head, without anything knocking around in there that i can call my own. i'm scared. every spare thought is occupied by workworkworkwork.

i can't arrange anything to happen before 9pm on weekdays, and chances are, i'd be late or have to cancel anyway. i have missed 2 birthday parties i really really really wanted to shout surprise at because i was held up at work last minute. they were 21st birthdays and special. i was nearly 2 hours late to my own birthday party because i was held up at work. i see the sun for about one hour a day now. the 25 minutes i dash to work in, and the 35 minutes i spend at lunch most days. i haven't visited the sea in almost 2 months. once, i couldn't imagine going for a week without hanging out with either of them. i don't seem to have any tact left in me after a workday and tear into people for the slightest bullshit. or i would, but i'm so tired it just happens in my head.

i'm impatient with my friends' troubles when they confide in me, and that's scaring me because i used to be the Born Listening Ear, and people looked up me enough that i was starting to resent having to care so much. i watched a rude bitch next to me scold a barrister at a cafe the other day and i was too dazed to tell her to piss off like i usually would. going to a meeting feels like going to war with a quarter tank of leaking courage. i go to war 8 times a day, sometimes more, and there's no time to do real work. sometimes we war over lunch. i don't have time to pee. or to check on the progress of the orion's belt of pimples that sprung up from the stress. there are days when i walk around with a tangle of tears just stuck in traffic and waiting to pour out, but i won't let it out because it'll be a waste of time i could have spent working. and if i cry and waste this much time, i would be even further behind. i shower and drop into bed 20 mins after i'm in through the door, try to sleep enough to keep up the next day. with 8 hours of sleep you can take on the world. by 12pm i'm fighting exhaustion again. i'm as cheerful as a doomsday prophet. i don't have time or the headspace to act anymore, only react to things.


for fuck's sake, my mom sayang'd my head the other day because i looked beaten up and i teared up so madly that you could almost say i cried. i can't remember the last time she sayang'd me. and i really miss eating my mom's cooking fresh off the stove.