i feel uneasy and shaken by how volatile my feelings are.
i should be above this.
it was merely a...
i shouldn't be so overwrought, so vehement and sadistic..
but it burns. how it burns, burns, burns.
it could have been more heaven then a heart can hold.
there's so much i wish i said. how cliche.
oh, how far i've fallen, from the jade the exhe called me once. but that's neither here nor there.
it's to be a lonely night ahead for me. good.
it's so inexplicable sometimes...
sometimes.. i can't name what i'm brooding over.
but sometimes..
sometimes, there's so much that is wrong,
that shouldn't be wrong, wouldn't have been wrong,
can not help but be wrong..
it helps to flush some of that toxicity out by scratching your heart out in a real journal,
a primitive mindnumbing joy of stream of consciousness that blends ink and furious energy on that flimsy, flighty, happy medium, paper.
yes it does.
but sometimes it isn't enough.
so here i am.
it has to be admitted,
abeit grudgingly by one who instinctively shrinks from being this naked,
that there is a certain surging, nay purging release from confessing ugliness to an unknown, often indifferent and unexpected audience,
in however cryptic a message. hah. the dubious joys of blogging.
one comfort never deserts me.
two actually. solitude. music. my books.
food for my soul, all.
that's three. doesn't matter.
i love my friends, there are some who'd be with me in a heartbeat for this.. but i'd be inclined to laugh this off instead.
often i'm happiest flying solo.
many would find that strange, pitiful. i'm indifferent.
that... affair... shouldn't matter to me either.
by the end of this night, i hope that little chant will properly take root, more's the relief for it.
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