too intense.

eh what the hell miho, get excited already.


hello, you'd think you aren't leaving your jailhouse, or that you haven't got an exciting trip wandering (or just climbing) thailand planned. scary siah you, so listless. jellyfishes have more form than you.

it's not quite listless exactly, because i'm humming on nerves. stress. fight or flight instincts are freaking out all the time, even now when i'm just sitting at home and telling my mom, sorry, no lunch, i'm going to see my lauban on new year's day to discuss the release of my salary.

never mind that work has not ended with the last day, never mind mummy's nervous breakdowns going back to work (woman, pull yourself together, it's only been 3 weeks. at a bank. with regular hours. with lunch hours. my sympathy starting to become a bit bedeh le. i mean you whine about colleagues stealing your highlighter, hello?), never mind that my pay is on hold and i'm hyperventilating because i'm living paycheque to paycheque, and going on a month long trip was a rather financially painful / fully-rationalised but actually desperation-driven thing to do.

fuck, kammi's right, i'm a tomboy with insane rollercoaster girl emotions. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo PMS all year round. okay, don't misqoute, kammi actually said i'm very in touch with my emotions, even if in many other aspects i'm tomboyish. same same but different, right?

new expenses keep coming up. fuuuuuck, my climbing shoes has holes. ok, spend phone bill money on it, i'm not using my mobile in thailand anyway. fuuuuuuck, christmas presents for the whole office?! okay, try to keep it under $150 total, even though that's almost a quarter of my salary, and about 10 days living expenses in railay. fuuuuuck, mom wants money again. ok, this week only eat packed lunches. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, travel insurance is gonna cost 92 bucks?! okay, be sane, miho, this one DIE DIE must get. if i die in railay, at least my mom (& one other companion), can fly over to collect my remains for free. then with my dying breath, i'd fulfil my promise to mommy that i'd bring her to see the world one day.

right, anyway, i'm stressed out trying to escape to a simpler life. o the irony.

i haven't paid my phone bill in 5 months and since deciding that i won't buy anything i won't use travelling in thailand, i haven't touched the sales but once yesterday for an awesome tanktop that i will kick rock ass in. i stopped my cab habit too, cold turkey, and it's pretty amazing how little food (or conversely, how much food you can eat for free if you planned packed lunches and timed for snack raids on the pantry when certain colleagues usually buy communal snacks. freeloaderss, ftw!), that was a long segway, again, it's pretty amazing how little food you need to buy. the supermarket is definitely your friend. it's definitely possible to cramp your intern salary real tight, give drinking and a bunch of movies a miss, and still climb and travel. if you don't mind having your phone line cut off, and if your boss pays on schedule. other tips, only eat out / drink coffee out when you absolutely have been peer pressured into it! haahahahhahahahhaaaaaaaahhhi'mstressedout.

honestly, i'm worn really thin right now. i'm getting wrinkles from new facial expressions. apparently, it's somewhere between prune-face and cramps. i smile with cramps, i frown with cramps, i look like a grumpy toad all the time. i can't laugh easily anymore, even though i laugh like gunshots at a riot at the smallest things jane does because it's such a relief to laugh. i climb in frustration, and so my techniques go to shit and raf scolds me for forgetting the silliest things, like letting the bone take my weight, not chicken-winging; trying to climb cleanly so i don't spoil my climbing shoes; flipping the sloper when i manage to murk around pass it.

i'm worried about money, about surviving the trip, about my family getting dinners and arguements and chores settled without me around, about finding work in february, about my favourite colleagues surviving without me in the trenches with them. i'm not cursed with false modesty, it does sound arrogant and i must shrug that off uncomfortably, but i know i have been "vital to the creative process" when people say, okay, let's wait to work on this when miho is in and we can discuss with her.

i worry that i will regress professionally while i'm gone, even though i know to my bones that i would have failed a copy test this past 3 months because so much of creativity relies on emotional health and finding the flow, not churning along blindly. in the last 5 mins, i've been laughing, tearing, arguing with my mom, cursing out my cat, chasing it down to sayang it because he may hate me for one whole january and get too used to life without me, reassuring my mom about her work, trying to outthink a headache, jittering nervously, trying to throw stuff blindly into my backpack for the trip, analysing my default expression. i think it's a middle-aged pout.

okay okay enough venting, miho, buck up, ban zai, jia you.

this will pass.

you'd come back from the trip vibrating with happy vibes, totally un-amoeba'ed out. you'd have enough savings left to tide you over while you find a new job. if not, no sweat, you can part-time data-entry for a quick spell while you wait for replies. you'd have a kickass portfolio. you'd take up a job for a good high pay and decent management, and forget about creative-driven agencies for another year while you polish the skills and tools you were crafting this last 5 months. at this job, you'd negotiate more harshly this time, after which you will settle down for 6 months of good solid working. keep saving and build up a bit of a nest. we'd talk plans again when you have done all that, when you have the bulk of 6 months of full salary built up and you're a neat clean rainbow. let's see how your dreadlocks look by then!

you chose this path ok. so you can manage this. you wanted a career to fight for, so fight brave. you decided, you can live large on very little, so live wisely. you decided to take your internal storm elsewhere, so set sail. you've managed pretty great, this is something you can win if you see it through. this can be done!