I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

i have some vague plans for 2010.




learn japanese. practise chinese more.

if i'm going to japan someday, i'd like some ammo. perhaps, one day, i can become good enough to do translations. =freelance opportunities, savvy?



fill notebooks.

scamps, sketches, stories, articles, lists, rants, business ideas, dumb ideas, journals, stickers - whatever. fill 'em up, make something of them.



travel.

maybe the whole month of january, spend it wandering thailand. i have a return ticket to bangkok, but who's to say i should come back right away? i can take a sleeper train to railay, show tik and non my hair progress, climb with tik for a week or so, then start backpacking around after getting my bearings.

i'm thinking of going it alone.

i liked my kaki langs in KYN and railay pretty okay. but. i want to test myself, throw myself out there. i guess my definition of throwing myself out there went from joining another cut-throat MNC agency to getting lost on dusty backroads of south east asia. sweet.

plus, i'd love to be able to just turn right at the next junction just because, and not squat for a 15 min discussion. i miss spontaneity.

a friend's headed to laos for january, maybe i'd join him later over there, maybe not.

don't get me wrong, my heart's going badda-bing badda-boom at the thought of going solo like that.

which reminds me, funny story about a cave in railay.

we were climbing through it, and i was scared. my 45L backpack was packed with a 50m rope, gear and runners too, i think. i wasn't used to the weight, my 35baht slippers had no grip on the dusty floor and hell, they don't even stay on my feet. it was dark, i kept slipping and catching myself before falling approximately to my death each time. i joked shakily to my friend raf, that he should climb behind me so i'd take him down with me when i fall.

we were about to abseil off a cave mouth down some 15 metres.

I remember two other girls being there with our group. tik asked who wanted to go first, and I said ‘me!’ very quickly because I was kinda scared I’d chicken out if I waited. it looked like a long way down! but it was also the only way down, so chickening out wasn’t an option.

So I quickly clipped myself in and swung out (!!!) into thin air with my scary-heavy bag pack. this photo was taken. then i heard one of those girls say, “ooooooh man, she’s so brave”, and I snorted so hard in disbelief, I nearly dropped the wrong hand on the rope. the one stopping me from going splat 15m down.

the point here:
i have to deal with life the only way i know works for sure.

i scare myself,
i manage not to crap my pants,
i dust pants off laughing,
i walk away alive and stronger.
wash, rinse, repeat so i don't degenerate into a shivering pile of nerves.

until i find a better way, can't seem to grow much. shaky hurrays.



rethink advertising.

i'm exhausted.

s.little asked me about my plans, after we talked about his great new opportunities. he saw me hesitate. be wary of the loud ones, some of them have mad instincts for people insights.

he said, you should stay in copywriting. see through the potential.

i think, are these hollow days worth this vague potential thing they keep baiting me along with? is it worth it, working toward a day when i can kick my rubbish bin across the office with my fancy Balanciaga boots, and shriek at a regional account director, "you're not here to BUY my work, you little miserable shit, you're here to SELL it!"?

s.little tells me starry tales of being a CD.

Branded bags every month, drinks on the company, expense accounts that go unquestioned and on forever, trips to morroco, japan, vietnam for a photoshoot, being treated like royalty on set, hushed whispers of legendary you, with grand prix, one show, clio, cannes lions and the virginity of a dozen junior account execs under your belt.

he's waiting for the ooooooh's and ahhhh's and whoaaaaa's, but i'm smiling and nodding politely, waiting for him to get to the part that matters. i'm watching his dark eye circles, G's trembling hands, Z's very, very discreet dalliances and thinking of Tik. And Chok, and Ee and Dut. and yes, even Non. thailand folks who probably earn in a year, less than what S.little here spends in a month or two. i know who's more content, centred and delighted with their day's work.

i'm thinking of first cold dinners, and then only the occasional dinners waiting for me at home now. i'm thinking of friends who've been let go of. i'm thinking of a dusty sewing machine and other DIY tools i haven't touched in a year. i'm thinking Spotlight vouchers, wasted on me. i'm thinking of how, i once forgot to switch off workmiho before meeting a friend. i'm thinking of choices i've made against the ballast of work. i'm thinking of how i'm the moon to the earth of my work, and how wide the universe is outside of me, work and the sunny places i'd rather be. i'm thinking of places, faces, traces i've missed while dashing by. i'm thinking of workplace dignity. i'm thinking of living with authenticity. i'm thinking of reclaiming the lucidity of my heart.

i'm thinking, well of course these Creative Directors are smug and sound positive about advertising, they're not fighting for grubs on the floor anymore. and then that where they're at doesn't sound so thrilling to my sensibilities either. i mean, given a choice i'd pick another night laying with head pillowed on that log on the far end of Railay East beach, shooting the breeze and counting shooting stars, than hobnobbing at any champagne party. or screaming at a pitiful account director at 11pm after we've both worked 13 hours straight on yet another fucked up, settled backstage pitch.